sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Are my feet made of real feet?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
