his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
