i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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