i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
