i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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