So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
