I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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