All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
No more Irish car bombs ever.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
