Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
