i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
pray to the hookup gods
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize