NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
