Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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