Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
too bad you live with your parents still
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
