thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
