dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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