I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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