If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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