He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
