thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
there's paper in my vomit.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
