On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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