He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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