So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
