if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
