When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
We had to coat check the pizza.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
