Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
