1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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