Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
