We're facebook friends in real life
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
