Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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