Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize