I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
