The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize