I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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