I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
