God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
