does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
