1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
