Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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