I will die if light touches me.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
