Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
