the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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