I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
