I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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