no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
