He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
