shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
