The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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