You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
