i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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