i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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