You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
