I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize