Yo dont text me then not text me
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
