I think I died a long time ago.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
