i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
