I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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