if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
How external is "for external use only"?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
